Cycles of Newness

… of something special. My other hand is grasping a lettuce and tuna wrap from Jimmy Johns, so finger pecking is the current MO. I have never had such a difficult time eating tuna. This thing is in complete anarchy against the forms, it refuses to stay wrapped and sauce is gushing down my arm. But enough about gemuse, let’s talk about some serious stuff. SSS sssssssssssssss (Imagine your car tires deflating.)

I have been introduced to a problem recently. To be honest, it’s not really a problem, and to be even more honest, we are quite well acquainted. The Problem of Pain. There I said it, the most trite and over worn subject of time all. Cat’s out of the bag and we can all go home.

First off – killin’ the cliches’. Why do bad things happen to good people? How does a loving God allow such a senseless act?  What did I do to deserve this? Why don’t I have enough faith to be healed? Pain is weakness leaving the body. No pain no gain. I feel your pain.  (Hint: never Google subject + “meme” e.g. “pain meme” All I could imagine was slapping humanity sideways. Our God is so gracious.)

I guess I have been attempting to write this for quite some time, always failing to gather the words or perhaps the courage to face those words. I don’t mean to sound ominous or “oh man this is really tough have pity on me,” it really is a struggle to write a single word about ANYTHING. I am compelled to do lots of dumb things: swear, yell in pain, smash my keyboard and hurl things, but writing COHERENT SENTENCES FULL OF VIM VIGOR AND WISDOM is not something that comes to me in quiet, blissful moments of inspiration, instead it comes with swearing, pain, smashing and hurling things.

But with fighting comes perseverance, or at least that’s what I pray for every day, and with perseverance . . . peace. Peace as I wake up for another day, peace as I find God walking with me, taking every step with me across campus or across the room. I don’t know entirely what is wrong with me, I have some kind of stomach/ abdominal pain every day. I have had lots of tests, and doctors suggest different things for me to eat/not eat and all. This little writing isn’t about that, it’s about going beyond a medical/physical/human diagnosis to an even better truth i.e. it’s taking me to where no diagnosis is needed, in the arms and reality of God.

Pain is an interesting problem … for those that call pain a problem, I can’t necessarily label it as such anymore. Why do bad things happen? What can we do about pain? How do we stop it? Do we need to stop pain? Perhaps pain is not our enemy, trying to ruin our lives, but our friend telling us that there is a deeper problem going on in our bodies or in the world around us. “Just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin… “ Sin caused death and pain, they did not cause themselves.

And honestly who fucking cares? Sorry I hope this is the last time I swear. Keep asking questions, never stop asking questions. If we stop asking questions, we must be finished with life. Don’t give up on life. Pain sucks, it sucks so much, but I would rather have a lifetime of pain, desperately walking every day with God than one minute pain free and abandoned by God.. Some of the mystics say that self-love, lonely individuality is the best definition of hell.

Sometimes I think about morbid things like “how much time do I have left” “Does anyone want a cripple?” “Does the cheese go on the nachos or on the side???” I don’t find a lot of answers, just a lot of depression. Questioning the world keeps me walking the path to life. Questioning my own pathetic situation leads me down a dark path. Trying to find answers to life when I hold onto a self serving axiom (Everything has to be good for me or it is useless) means that I start off with hell in mind, not heaven.

Is life for ourselves or is life for others? God exists, He has no need to justify His own existence, His own life, or His own reality. He could spend eternity as Himself with no need to create any other person with their own will to make choices… and mistakes.

Going to continue on with God’s self existence and in my next post. Right now I want to try that wonderful thing of falling asleep. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT FALLING ASLEEP< IT”S NOT FOR AMATEURS. Heh well good night.