One night, … mentally and spiritually exhausted, St. Silouan wanted simply to bow before Christ in His holy icon, but a terrible demon stood in his way, and he heard from God in his heart, “The proud always suffer from demons.” When he asked God how to defeat pride he heard again in his heart, “Keep thy mind in Hell and despair not.”
Something happens to me when I have these days (or weeks) of constant abdominal pain, I am always faced with a choice – worry or place myself in God’s hands. The former is fueled by pride, the latter is extremely humbling. The former results in more scars and grief, while the latter heals the deepest parts of my soul. The former is damnation, the latter is my Salvation.
Reading the story of St. Silouan was the first time I felt completely understood in my suffering. If there is a single instance that lead me to Orthodoxy, that was it. Many of his thoughts mirrored my own and his despair I could feel in my soul as well. St. Silouan once went to enter the church for vespers, being a young novice monk. As he was about to enter he had a vision of Christ in His glory. He told an elder monk of his experience and the elder monk praised him, “If you are like this now, imagine how blessed you will be when you are old!” This praise assaulted St. Silouan’s ego, and his humility was lost. For 15 years he prayed in utter despair without feeling the presence of the Lord, until one night when he bowed before the icon and before him stood a demon. That is when he cried out to God “Lord, I am surrounded by demons!”
“The proud suffer from this.”
“How do I stay humble?”
“Keep thy mind in Hell and despair not.”
After this he felt the grace of God return to him, after 15 long years. In the depths of Hell he found Hope, Christ Himself, for “He that descended is the same also that ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things” (Ephesians 4:10).
I did the “chase after the big things of God” for a while after my conversion. Honestly I did it for way too long. Those experiences were helpful as a new Christian, I learned a lot about Scripture and testimonies and gave up a few fears as well. (I am not giving this portion of my life its due, the memories are blurry and I must move on, forgive me.) But as Paul describes “I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready.” (1 Corinthians 3:13) I found myself in a spiritual darkness that no revival meeting or altar call could pull me out of. Out of loyalty (honestly, my own Messiah Complex) I tried my best to stay where I was in my spiritual journey. The longer I stayed, the more painful it became, as the big experiences became duller and my night grew darker. (Dark Night of the Soul excerpt at the bottom)
Darkness turned into suffering, fearful thoughts of moving on turned into a physical torment, until my soul and body finally had enough and I found myself in a hospital bed minus one gallbladder. At this point my only choice was to move on or die in despair. But God is greater than my suffering, and He found me a place and community that understood my suffering. I found St. Silouan, who suffered a darkness I cannot comprehend. I found fellow sinners in a church where no one dares call themselves Saints or even saved, but “being saved” (Father Kallistos Ware). I found Salvation in small and humble places, in the pew sitting next to me, in the Holy Icons, in small acts of love and in every Divine Liturgy as we take part in the Eucharist. The body and blood of Christ becomes part of us, for He is truly present in the Mystery of the Holy Gifts. Union with Christ, Theosis in Greek, is our Salvation from now into eternity.
I no longer have a desire for big ministry, huge crowds or “the greatest night of worship with 20 famous bands and an amazing message given by our award winning speaker that you’ll never forget.” I simply wish to bow down before the image of Christ in humility and confidence, to bear my soul to Him as He truly is. And one more thing, every time I take part in the Eucharist I take part in Christ’s suffering and He takes part in mine. “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:14-15). This is my humble confidence, though I descend into Hell I need not despair for I am no longer alone.
Dark Night of the Soul
Chapter 1.2
It must be known, then, that the soul, after it has been definitely converted to the service of God, is, as a rule, spiritually nurtured and caressed by God, even as is the tender child by its loving mother, who warms it with the heat of her bosom and nurtures it with sweet milk and soft and pleasant food, and carries it and caresses it in her arms; but, as the child grows bigger, the mother gradually ceases caressing it, and, hiding her tender love, puts bitter aloes upon her sweet breast, sets down the child from her arms and makes it walk upon its feet, so that it may lose the habits of a child and betake itself to more important and substantial occupations. The loving mother is like the grace of God, for, as soon as the soul is regenerated by its new warmth and fervour for the service of God, He treats it in the same way; He makes it to find spiritual milk, sweet and delectable, in all the things of God, without any labour of its own, and also great pleasure in spiritual exercises, for here God is giving to it the breast of His tender love, even as to a tender child.
Cycles of Newness 
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