Cycles of Newness

We can only escape shame by shame. The way down is the way up. – Saint Sophrony of Essex

My last month as a staff member for CrossRoad has been a series of miracles strung together. My last experience with a program like this was in Vienna as a missionary in a program called Master’s Commission. It was a small group of nine of us as missionaries-in-training that spent every waking hour together for a year. We went on trips across Europe serving at youth retreats, worship services and kids camps. The year ended with a scandal with one friend being excommunicated and another sent to therapy. I was left with a warning that I could be the next scandal, a curse I would carry in my heart.

CrossRoad was amazing though very challenging in the light of that experience in Vienna. God wastes nothing. Thoughts and memories would bubble up, as they must and give me the chance to surrender them to Christ. Nothing can be buried in the heart forever, God brings it out to heal it. It reminds me of Saint Sophrony’s wisdom on shame – “We can only escape shame by shame. The way down is the way up.” Indeed. This is also found in the Wisdom of Sirach – “For there is a shame that leads to sin, and there is a shame that is glory and favor.” (Wisdom of Sirach 4:21) Toxic shame from that year was transformed into healthy shame of glory, awe and wonder in a month, experienced in seconds and minutes.

Every second was a miracle, a chance for me to run, fight or surrender. I can tell you that it is $264 for a plane ticket from Orange County to Montana. I know that fried zucchini without a gallbladder means limping the next day. Totally worth it! Verses that came to mind I later found written in the churches we visited. “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking.” hanging in the Greek Church while “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.” was painted on the walls of the Coptic Sanctuary. The relics of Saint Silouan, the saint who saved my life rested in the OCA church along with Our Lady of Seven Sorrows, an icon given to me by a priest when I lost a dear friend to COVID. Words I would speak about vulnerability and amazing persons at CR Learners was spoken by my fellow co-workers with Christ, leaving me to beg God for words when I reached the podium. Hugs came when I could not handle the whirlwind of my thoughts anymore. God wastes nothing.

“The heart itself is but a small vessel, yet there also are dragons and there are lions; there are poisonous beasts and all the treasures of evil. And there are rough and uneven roads; there are precipices. But there is also God, also the angels, the life and the kingdom, the light and the Apostles, the treasures of grace—there are all things.” – Saint Macarius the Great

 Please forgive me when I was unsettled and unsettling. Even that was a gift. I had to leave the whirlwind of thoughts and flashbacks in order to descend into my heart with “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.” The heart is the place of battle, where the dragons lie guarding gold and silver relics of peace and joy, the Kingdom of God. As Saint Porphyrios teaches in Wounded by Love, whenever I prayed Lord have mercy on me, I found those around me whom I loved, the Other becoming a part of me, my breath and my life. We are microcosms, the universe is within and when we heal, the world heals.

Be peaceful within yourself, and heaven and earth will be at peace with you. Be diligent to enter into the treasury that is within you, and you will see the treasury of Heaven: For these are one and the same, and with one entry you will behold them both. The ladder of the Kingdom is within you, hidden in your soul. Plunge deeply within yourself, away from sin, and there you will find steps by which you will be able to ascend. – Saint Isaac the Syrian

The descent into the heart is Jacob’s ladder to the house of God and the gate of Heaven (Gen 28). Once we have wrestled with God the ladder bids us climb down into our hearts to the Kingdom of Heaven, for as Saint Sophrony says, “the way down is the way up.” The way of salvation is the path of healing, full of awe, intimacy and wonder. “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.” This is where you are.